I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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