i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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