I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
