I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
