Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
