I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
