Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
