She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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