just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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