My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this hospital has no fireball
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
