my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
