Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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