trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
