I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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