My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
