he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
