The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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