My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
