I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
