I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
