I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
