I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
