you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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