OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
