Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
