I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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