he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I did not marry a roomba.
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