Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
worst night to have a conscience
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
