Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
