youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
false alarm, still single
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
