I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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