I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
