then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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