Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
