Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
