So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
