Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
