life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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