dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
