she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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