Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
