Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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