there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
