I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
