I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You can't special order awesome
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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