Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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