God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I love how my cats smell like pot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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