Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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