i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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