its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
