My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
