this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
