Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
